I feel like I’m gonna fumble over my words because I am not sure if this is going to come across the way I am intending. So I hope you hear my heart. It’s easier to be an ally than to have a personal lived experience... or having something directly affect you. This should be obvious. It’s easier mentally, emotionally, spiritually & physically to stand in solidarity & fight for something or someone when you can take action, but then go to sleep without the emotional and generational trauma as you go to sleep that night. It is so much easier to be an ally than to have a lived experience.

I also bring this up because, although it is natural for me to fight for other people, it feels odd or even wrong when I stand for something that directly touches my life. It’s so much more emotionally taxing to talk about appropriation in regards to my native heritage. There is a sense of not wanting to be or seem too much or expecting too much out of people when I defend sacred medicines. When I point out when someone’s spiritual practice may actually be oppressive… it’s awkward. It affects me directly…. My heritage, culture, ancestors… I get the fear response to just “look the other way” because somewhere along the way - I learned I’m not allowed to take personal offense. Somewhere along the way - I deemed the only fights worthy to fight for were other people’s battles. Standing for communities I didn’t even belong in. And the fact that I don’t experience this abandonment feeling, when it comes to my heritage, as much as so many others do… certainly speaks of my privilege — my white passing privilege, my white half privilege. I can’t deny it. And because of this… I have learned so much more what it is to be a true ally. (not that you need a lived experience to be an ally) To fight 1) even harder for the people groups who are oppressed and marginalized… communities I don’t belong in. But 2) I am also learning what it is to stand up for something even if I am the one being hurt… perhaps, dare I say… *especially* if I am the one being hurt. I am not used to that. I was taught to turn the other cheek. In the past, when someone said or did something hurtful… I would brush it under the rug, abandon myself and my own intuition. I wouldn’t make a sound until this hurt had been inflicted on someone else. Then I would let all hell break loose. I’d fight to the death for that person until justice prevailed, I’d tend to their wounds, I’d shed tears with them… but for me? That was so foreign. 

Why is that? Why do I feel I am not worthy to be fought for? Why do I feel as if my cause has to be so mighty to have a voice? Why do I have to tell myself to “do it for the future generations”? Why am I not enough? Why don’t my wounds count? Why do I seek healing “for all” but feel like I need “all” for my healing to matter?

I’ve had the honor to speak on my indigenous heritage now on several occasions via podcast interviews, DMs on instagram & in person conversations. I’ve had lots of discussions concerning appropriation, history, spirituality... and in so many ways - I am still uncovering so much. And although there is more & more writing & information out there... Native American culture is still amongst some of the most un-documented. My resource list is growing but I still crave more. But I also have this intense expectation for myself to be born knowing... like my ancestors will download all the right things into my brain.  And although there is a lot of that... I can’t pretend to even touch the surface of all that I desire to know. It’s all incredibly nuanced. 

Part of my reconstructing / healing actually started during the uprise of the black lives matter movement. First, I broke. I was a wreck. But then I really started to press more into my indigenous heritage.... listening & learning from other indigenous people & my ancestors within. This is where a lot of healing started to take place. I began to understand & see how much of the faith I once resonated so much with was colonized & how a lot of the Christian religion I associated with was built by my ancestors’ oppressors. Recognizing that a lot of today’s Christianity is vastly manipulated & contorted to suit a white supremacist narrative. That all sounds like bad stuff. I mean, because it is. But something about recognizing what to decolonize/dismantle & relanguage... gave me words for my feelings, gave me tactics to handle my frustrations & somehow, once again - gave me a little bit of hope that maybe things can be better. But maybe just after we dismantle the whole thing. Which I’m fine to do. But I have to recognize that I am worth fighting for. My pain is great enough to be healed & my healing is important enough for me to never give up. I am worth it. You are worth it. We can do this together. You can do this. I can do this.