July 14th was International Non-Binary People’s Day. And I, for one, am very thankful for the beautiful souls who remind us that this world is not binary, black or white, yes or no. Reminding us that we have the agency to create a path for ourselves. Reminding us that language is ours for reclaiming. Reminding us that it is not just you’re in or you’re out. Reminding us that there is beauty in everything and throughout everything. I send out love to all my non-binary friends, with a special shout-out to my two-spirit indigenous loved ones.

What leaving a binary theology did for me, was helped me step into my own innate curiosity for the way the world and even our own existence works… I am a naturally inquisitive person. I enjoy the questions sometimes more than the answers, or more so - I enjoy the process of researching and learning more than anything at all. Life is so interesting, though, isn’t it? Like… do you believe in a parallel existence? If so — are you experiencing the spinoff version? Or are you the “lead”? Parts of me sometimes feels like I’m the spin-off version. I’ve made drastic decisions in life, some that leave me feeling like I left a tear in my own existence. Do you believe in the reincarnation or even the continuation of energy? I feel so deeply that I am not only guided by my ancestors, but I’m also one with them. What’s déjà vu? What are dreams? What is reality? What do we actually know? I love this stuff. The meaning of life, afterlife, time, auras, vibrational energy.... They light me up. I believe in all of this so fully and whole heartedly, being a spiritual person. But there’s also the other side of me that believes that this life is it. That we are only consciousness & when we die — nothing happens 🙈. I think that’s why I like these conversations. My answer is always.... Yes. And that’s such a comfy feeling for me. And I don’t think I could have truly leaned into this way of thinking without leaving behind a binary mindset. 

Another way I have grown & evolved beyond the binary is my view of God. Exploring who “owns” God. Who determines what or who God is? And of course, my own experiences have defined that for me, and, as you can imagine, I enjoy deconstructing that view to see if that narrative still fits my genuine perception. It makes me think of the ways we talk about or to God. The way we may worship or commune with the divine. And I gotta be honest with you… I do not think Christian music is for God. I think it’s for people who think they own God. What I mean is... It’s people singing about the God box they created — reinforcing their control over how God is perceived & meditating over their own perception of who or what God is. Which is our human right & can be very healing. However, it becomes problematic when nobody is allowed to imagine bigger or even just different perspectives of God. And THAT is what makes the “Christian God” so very small.

I haven’t officially written a worship song since deconstructing. I want to, but part of what I love about music is collaborating. And I’ll be frank — it’s hard to find people willing & wanting to write progressive Christian / deconstructed music. It’s weird. I have kind of returned to worship. I don’t listen as much as I used to because, honestly, so much of it makes me really really sad. As I do miss corporate worship so much. But I also now know a lot of the writers / singers / bands & their stance on important issues & it makes me squirm. That’s an insider burden, to be honest.

I believe we have the agency to re-language songs in a way that honors our relationship with self & God. Retraining yourself to hear / sing lyrics differently. Ie - old lyric, “ I couldn’t earn it, I don’t deserve it," changed to, “I don’t have to earn it, because I deserve it”. Hopefully, I’ll be writing some music here again soon. But right now, sometimes I just let myself feel really sad — and that’s the God honest truth.

But not only have I deconstructed my views of God, worship, the meaning of life… but I have also begun the healing process of reconstructing. Not in a way that means I have landed. Far from that, but I have begun to use verbiage that honors my relationship with the divine and reclaiming my spirituality as it relates to my heritage and ancestors. Essentially, my deconstruction (continual — breaking down), lead me to my decolonization (continual — healing), which finally lead me to my reconstruction (continual — building up). And like I said - I haven’t “arrived”. I don’t think we really do on this side of things… but I’m beginning the process of... well, what now?

As you can imagine, deconstructing and re-constructing really does take a toll on your emotions and mental state. At times, it has left me grasping for stability & the need to be grounded. Lately, Adam, Patchouli & I have made sunset walks a part of our routine. Right around 8, as the sky is cotton candy colors (my fav) — we take a stroll around the neighborhood. It gives me a sense of control, as I partake in the transition from day to night. Our walks are somewhat meditative & remind me that life is not happening to or at me. It reminds me that I am an active part in this world & have power over my life. If you’ve been feeling overwhelmed or anxious that life is happening all so fast around you, or sometimes it feels like it happens without your consent… or without you all together - I recommend sunset strolls. It is not a perfect remedy — but it is a good step in the healing process. Free nature therapy is a blessing. And at the very least, it is a healthy coping mechanism to add into your routine. It is for me. It’s about that time now, so I gotta hop off and enjoy the sky. Until next time. xo