4 ways to embrace YOU
Let me tell you my story.
I grew up in a christian home and besides my dad and I, everyone was an outgoing extravert. Now my siblings are all grown and they like their alone time, but I think they’d all agree that I was the painfully, shy and introverted one growing up. Although I don’t necessarily know if I would say I’m that shy anymore, I do still sometimes have social anxiety. Most of that, honestly, comes from being so painfully introverted. Culturally, if you live in America - we live in an extraverted mindset culture — where being extraverted is seen as open and successful and introverted is seen as unconfident, flaky and weak. Even my own loving family unintentionally put those pressures on me. I even jokingly posted on my instagram, “Don't be ashamed of you who are, that’s your parents job”. With which my mother promptly responded “but… what if they love you the way you are?” Love you mom. But anyway, I digress.
Let's fast forward to college. Between ages 16-20. I went off to Nashville alone. My anxiety had gotten very bad after falling ill and being in a very toxic relationship for about a year. So, I decided to see a counselor. The first counselor was pretty unprofessional — not gonna lie. However, it was around that time… that on my own… I switched around the phrase “nobody is perfect” to “everybody is imperfect”. See, all my life - I had struggled with perfectionism, and thankfully, today I can say that only “flairs up” every once in a while with certain triggers like losing or breaking something. My perfectionism, however, was very difficult for me up until my early 20s. Everything about my life had to be perfect. I really struggled, but my first step to healing was turning that phrase around. See, I wanted to be that ONE person that WAS perfect. The phrase said nobody… but to me, that just meant “challenge accepted”. The area that my perfectionism really got to me and sometimes still does is within societal grouping. I never fit into a group, wasn’t a tom boy, wasn't a girly girl, wasn’t athletic, wasn’t a book worm… like, I wasn’t any of those things. Instead, I learned how to be the best everybody’s nobody. I could almost fit in to any group if I just shifted a little here and a little there. And all of those versions of me had some truth to it. I was a little of all those things, but to fit in, I felt like I needed to be a lot of a few things. This made me feel stressed within myself. I truly felt like I could be a part of each group if I just tugged a little harder on personality traits of mine to fit the mold. But no amount of tugging and pulling made me feel like I fit in. I characterized this attribute of mine “contradiction”. I grew up literally calling myself a contradiction. I wore boy clothes, but I loved makeup — contradiction. I loved guidelines, but hated being told what to do — “contradiction”. And that was mainly middle and high school. As I was in college, this mentality worsened. I no longer just considered myself a contraction as much as I felt socially frantic. I “FELT” like if one day I was the quiet shy one in class, then in front of those people I had to always remain that version of myself in front of them. If I joined a bible study group and was loud and extraverted that day — well that set the tone of what I had to be every single time I was in that group. But the thing is… I’d feel different ways every single day when I would show up to class, but because I felt I owed to my peers to keep a consistent version of myself - I forced myself to be a SINGLE part of me. Is this making any sense? I hope so. It wasn’t until I was working with my next counselor that I told her all of this. She told me to stop telling myself I was a walking contradiction and not be ashamed of all my little passions. That I don’t have to be just one thing. I don’t have to be a die hard yogi to do yoga, or I don’t have to only listen to rock music just because I like a few certain bands. That variety is beautiful and instead call myself dynamic. As I've grown, I’ve learned that being dynamic is actually pretty cool. But I still feel the pull to be one thing or another. One day I wanna be the next Kim K, be super bougie and have makeup and hair done every day. The next day, I literally want to be a naked hippie painting in the sunlight, but I am a little of both and a little of a lot of things at that. And thats okay. It is not just okay — it is great. Life is certainly not boring and I am constantly learning myself. I am forever on a journey discovering what lights me up and what doesn’t, and thats okay if it changes day to day. We are meant to grow with the seasons. Every day we evolve. Why fight it?
So, how do we embrace our real selves…
1. Recognize the lies you are telling yourself. I think debunking the lie when possible is key. I like to believe the lie we tell ourselves is just opposite of the truth. A lie is a lie, after all isn’t it? However, sometimes, like for my “nobody is perfect” to “everybody is imperfect," we just have to reword some things around to find the truth that may possibly lie within them. And in turn, we learn to love ourselves. Learning to love yourself and like yourself is a huge key in embracing the real you. I remember when I said, in a very dark time in my life, that I honestly didn’t like myself. But in the same breath - I would say, “I just don’t know who I am”. But how can you not like something you don’t know? Which brings me to my next point…
2. Be okay with trial and error. Figure out what lights you up and chase after that. Know that it is totally okay and normal for that to change as well. Just because xyz brought you so much happiness last year, doesn’t mean that that is what makes you happy now in this season of your life.
3. Nothing is set in stone. Not your hobbies, not your likes, dislikes, passions, goals, dreams, morals, beliefs… do not fight the change you go through. I know, personally, I am not at all the person I thought I was going to be when I was 12. But I am glad. I like this version way better. And who knows where I will be in another 13 years. Don’t fight the change and don’t let yourself feel guilty for not living up to the “you” you created in your head years ago. More likely than not, you are on your way to being a better, more alive person than the person you intended on in the first place.
4. Lastly, I am going to point you to a wonderful video that really opened my eyes and heart. It also set the building blocks between mine and Adam’s relationship. I highly recommend you watch it right after this video. It is about the power of vulnerability. Little did I know, for years I was scared of being vulnerable. I don’t know if it was all the anxiety of trying to fit in or all the advice to keep work, faith and personal life separate…. Either way, I know I am a much better and healthier person after watching this video.
Embracing the real me wasn’t easy, but once I learned how… my world was changed. My life became so much easier and I felt so much lighter. I went through some really dark times in my life of hating myself. So hear me when I say I understand because I have been there. And it is the most sinking feeling. But know that you will get through it. I'm here for you. I hope this helped in some way. I love you guys so much.