The Pep Talk You REALLY Need - love, career & mindset
If you have someone or a group of people that you’re constantly covering your tracks with... consider whether or not they have your actual best interest in mind. Whether it’s a jealous friend, co-dependent parent or manipulative religious community... if you’re continuously living in fear of “what they’ll think if...” — its time to reconsider that relationship, or at the very least... create some well established boundaries. Because at the end of the day... living in fear is not really living at all.
You don’t owe anyone an explanation for those boundaries either. You don’t have to exhaust yourself justifying the space you create. Remember, those who you get most upset about the boundaries you set, are usually the ones who benefit the most from you not having them. Their emotional response to you says more about them than it does about you or the boundaries themselves.
Additionally, someone’s conditional love for you has nothing to do with you either. It has everything to do with them. You shouldn’t have to scream to be heard. You shouldn’t have to beg to be seen. If someone needs a REASON to love you & you’re busy chasing it... you may never find it. You deserve more. You deserve better. Their conditional love has nothing to do with you & everything to do with them.
And knowing what you don’t deserve is okay. Knowing what you DO deserve is even better. You can *know* you don’t deserve to be yelled at, silenced or made to feel small... but just deal with it. But if you *know* you deserve to be cared for & nurtured... you will never settle. If you *know* you don’t deserve to be treated like crap... there still may be a part of you that embraces it as punishment for something... anything. But if you *know* you deserve to be happy & live a life of meaning & wonder... then you will go to ends of the earth to find it. There is a difference between knowing what you don’t deserve & what you absolutely do. That’s where freedom lies. This changed my life.
And thats all I can really speak on. My life. My experience. If I ever say anything that does not resonate with you, take the pieces that do and just leave the rest. Trust me, it won’t hurt my feelings. Because the thing is…. I get it. So many people LOVE giving unsolicited advice. We all do it. I have found that it seems to be most prevalent in terms of “dating advice”. Some people will go so far to tell you who to date/marry, when to date/marry, how to date/marry... or make you feel like you have to do any of it (which you don't). Most people probably mean well, but be wary when people make definitive statements like, “If you want nice things in life — date an older person.” Or “if you want someone to know & care about you intimately, you’ve gotta marry ‘this type’ of person.” Etc.
I understand the sentiment... but these are essentially, empty promises by someone on the Internet (or even in person). I could give you so many statements of how to have a marriage “just like mine”. Ex: marry a drummer. Date someone younger. Get engaged and then break up & find your soul mate. I could go on. I could give you a list of things that worked for ME. But that does NOT mean it will work for you. It does NOT mean that it’s the perfect recipe.
I see this kind of verbiage even amongst some of the most well meaning people. But it’s still weird. And can be damaging. If you’re a formula person.... Like me.... A research person.... like me. You’ll go off what SEEMS to work. And it’s just not realistic. No two love stories ever unfold the exact same way. They shouldn’t. They should be unique. Because you are unique. We are all beautifully different.
Be with whoever the facccckkkk you feel alive with. Or nobody freaking at all. But please, don’t fall for the formulas you find all over the Internet. I couldn’t fit my relationship in a box & sell it to you if I wanted. It doesn’t work that way. There’s no perfect recipe for life or love. My life isn’t a formula. And neither is anyone else’s.
And just a gentle reminder that you don’t become a half, or a third or a quarter of yourself when you enter a relationship. You don’t start that way. You don’t end that way. You are whole with or without a relationship. Why work so hard to be “your best self” just to let it all go when someone comes along... platonically or romantically. And on that note - you definitely don’t have to be the “best version” of yourself or “love yourself perfectly” by the time you enter a relationship. The myth of “you have to learn to love yourself, before you can love anyone else” is a myth & its bullshit. Now, you may remember me saying that I knew I was in love with Adam when I was fully in love with life/myself. That is true. But guess what? I love myself so much better and fuller now than I did then. Self love is a journey. Not a destination. You’re worthy of showing up for yourself every damn day. With a partner, with a few, without any, with kids, without, with your dream job, or with your temporary position. You’re worth paying attention to. Periodttt.
But you know this. And at the end of the day, you don’t need me telling you all this for it to be true. I hope some of what I have said resonates with you. And it feels good to be validated. But just like you don’t need an apology for your feelings to be valid. You don’t need a resolution for your story to matter. Wholeness isn’t measured in how perfectly the bows are tied.... Wholeness can’t even be measured at all. You already are.
Because being human is complicated. It’s messy. We do things because our brain tells us to sometimes, sometimes it’s instincts, sometimes our gut, sometimes our heart, sometimes our trauma and sometimes love. It’s complicated & it’s messy. But existing in this life has never been and never will be about getting it right. It’s about the emotional relief we get from unloading with friends, it’s about making mistakes, it’s about trying again, its about falling in love, it’s about falling out of love, it’s about make ups and break ups, it’s about feeling elated, and it’s about feeling fucked up. It’s about experiencing hell & heaven in one fell swoop. This is where it happens. So let it happen. Being human is complicated, messy, beautiful and just exactly the way it’s supposed to be.
Personal growth is not never feeling pain or sadness or anger... the growth is in how you treat yourself when it happens. How you respond to your reaction is what matters. The disappointment or frustration is not what determines your evolution of healing & growth. But it is what you do with it. Allowing yourself to feel & hold space for those emotions... that is true self love & authentic soul work. Not the absence of feeling. But the acceptance of it.... Embracing the human experience as spiritual beings.
We only get to live this version of our existence once. Which is the hippie dippie way of saying YOLO. If you’ve EVER said... “In another life I...”.... Just. Freaking. do it. Adam and I were “in another life," being vegan was “in another life," pursuing inclusivity for ALL was “in another life”... guess what? I was wrong. It was this one. Because guess what? We have ONE. I mean ONE life. Whatever you believe in what comes after... this is the ONLY version of this reality you will ever get. Probably. But think about those times you’ve said “in another life I.... Married my best friend, traveled the world, started my own business, moved across the country, shaved my head, etc”. Seriously... just do it. You’ll never fully be happy until you at least try.
And I know it can be difficult. Scary. Especially because somehow things seem to be so much easier for some than for yourself. Like when you hear youtubers say, “I wanted to say thanks so much. I was so overwhelmed by the love. We sold out of candles in a day...” or local musicians or writers saying 'thanks so much. I’m blown away by the millions of streams...” or people on kick starter accounts saying, 'Wow. Can’t believe it. We exceeded by double in 3 days”.
It seems like we hear these things all day, every day. People being so blown away by their own endeavors being super successful. I’m not saying they didn’t earn it. I’m not saying they haven’t worked their asses off. I’m not saying they aren’t worthy... they are. But it sometimes sucks hearing that all the time.
When you’ve written your heart out, performed a thousand times, did the kickstarter, paid for the classes, took the plunge, put yourself out there.... And not only did you not get a million streams, you didn’t even get a thousand. Or not only did you not sell out of products, but only your mom & boyfriend bought them, or not only did you not make the right amount... but you barely made a dent in what you need. These feelings SUCK. And they are very real. And VERY common. More common than the success stories.
So, I don’t know who needs to hear this... but your song fucking rocks, your products are so well made, your art is truly one of a kind.... Don't give up. You are not alone in this. You are not a failure. Not even close. Keep on creating, making, working, hustling.... If it fills you — never stop. The process should be worth it all. But that’s another topic for another day.